THINGS: LOST AND FOUND

On Friday the 12th of Feb I lost my diamond ring. Not because I did not value it enough or because I was careless, but because I lost so much weight since you left that all my rings are a little too big and fits too loosely. Yes, I shall have them fixed as soon as I get back to our house - for now I was hesitant to talk about my ring and tried very hard to remember that it is only a thing - part of so many things we collect in life and attached very much money- and sentimental value to.

So I thought that if I accept the fact that I lost it and I did not even know where,(I did go back to the two shops that M and I went to that afternoon), but nobody found anything, so I resigned myself to my immense loss.

In all the time that you and I were together almost all the very important happenings were crowned by a ring from you, most of them, the good and the bad.

When we met and decided to get married we did not have much of anything, so, when we got engaged it was with a small pearl ring. When we got married you had a beautiful white gold ring made for me, I was so proud of it.

Then years later after M was born you bought me a very nice gold ring with 4 small diamonds around a bigger centre diamond. The year I enlisted I accidentally bumped my hand against a wall and the big stone broke in such small pieces that I had to pick them up from the floor with cellotape. The dealer refused to replace it and we lost the courtcase that followed on the basis that every diamond has a weak spot and no dealer could foresee that the diamond will split, that was in '72. By then I was wearing an old gold wedding band and nothing else.

The following years were full of potholes as far as our marraige was concerned and in July of 1974 after you decided that divorce will not be an everlasting solution for the infatuation you had with a fleeting affair, you took me back to the fountain at the Union buildings where you proposed, we renewed our vows and you presented me with a brand new 10mm gold weddingband with the date inscription of 15/7/74.

Then I realised that being married is hard work, for both partners. That I wore untill 2002 when my hands became so swollen after the MI's that I had to resort to your old wedding band, because it was bigger. Even though the following few years were difficult because the trust was lost and a new relationship between us was formed you tried your best with a lovely eternity ring with four .25carat diamonds, which I wore till J got engaged and he then had it reset in an engagement ring.

In '83 after that big vehicle accident when I was in hospital and so very, very depressed, you brought me a diamond dress ring with 35 little diamonds in, which is still today one of my favourites.

When we got the insurance money for the accident you bought me a proper diamond solitaire which nobody could miss. Later on the setting became a little bit unsecure and for a while I did not wore the diamond ring.

Then at our 38th wedding anniversary you presented me with this beautiful diamond. The lost one.

So now that you have walked memory lane with me, you definately will rejoice with me in the knowledge that M has found my ring - wait for it, In her bread - tin.Now I remember that I worked in the kitchen after we got back from the shops, and amongst my chores were packing the groceries.

Maybe I found my loss so hard to accept because deep in my heart I still hoped that my ring will be found and returned to me and, yes I promise that I will take it to the jeweler to fix the size. My whole world is a much nicer place because I got my ring back

Love you
Matilda's Mum

A NEW YEAR

Two months has passed since my last entry - good months. I miss you so much, but being with the children did make a difference and the missing were done by "us" not only "me". And being away from the bunch at home made me realise how much I miss them.


In the seven months since you died so many things had happened to me, and I had to take responsibility for so much. I had to learn how to budget, for the first time in my life I had to make sure that there is still money in the bank at the end of the month for the 'in case days'. For the first time in my life I had to learn to look at time when making a phone call because the bill at the end of the month will be all mine to pay. Now I realise how you spoiled me, that 'just looking' can be a satisfying way of shopping too, I don't have to own everything I like. Only now do I realise what a protected life I have had being married to you, how you shielded me from every day's worries, how often you acted as the buffer when one of the children and I disagreed about something and all the other bad stuff.


Now I turn the sheets around so that your side can get dirty too, but for the empty pillow next to me I haven't found a cure yet. Although, all that extra cupboard space is lovely! I've learned that it is OK to show emotion and to hug the kids, big and small whenever I get a chance, because come tomorrow one of us might not be there. How sudden that can happen I have learned with your death and your baby brother's too. Tell him I say hi and that you must look after each other.



The 29th and the 30th of each month are always sad days for me, because factually I know that you departed on the 29th because the phonecall to S was the last call you've made , but the 30th is the day of your death certificate. This time it was no different than any other month, with the exception that even the grandchildren felt my sadness too and little C made a frame for your picture on the fridge, just to cheer me up.



Enough with the self-pity.

So tomorow I start with a five-week art class, I am looking forward to it and hope that it will loosen-up the painting sence in my head. It would please you to know that I started painting again. Watercolour and oils. The first was ok, but I started with a cloudy scene and when I turned it upside down little C said it could go through for a sea-side painting. So now I am in two minds how I should finish it - advice would be welcome.



I am very proud of myself, I successfully paid for my hair-cut with my credit card and withdrawn money with my debit card. At sixty-four it is not the easiest to do that for the first time in a foreign country, with new cards. Yeah, yeah ...... I know you wanted me to learn that when you were still here, but that would not have made it easier for me. For the first time I can see how your death affected our kids - each in their own way and financially it affected them too, I'll do my best not to be a burden to them- all of them.

So what hopes do I have for 2010? First to take it one day at a time and to give the new year a chance too.

Don't ever stop listening.

Lovey

Tomorrow, to be precise, one hour and 29 minutes from now, my time, it will be 5 months since Lovey died. You were my lover, husband and best friend for 46 years.
I survived our first wedding anniversary and your first birthday as a widow, but I am not sure I'll make it without you this Christmas. This was always such a special time, and you were looking forward so much to have a white Christmas with the kids. I shall do my best to go and to enjoy it for you.
Thank you that you never stopped telling me that you love me.
Thank you that you left me with so much happy memories.
Thank you that you always encouraged me to stand strong, and to let me see myself through your eyes, because that helped me to cope until today.

I miss you in the morning when I wake up and your place on the bed is empty and undisturbed;
I miss you during the day when I have just Matilda cat to talk to, when even all the work that I do can not keep me from seeing the empty chair where you always sat in;
I miss you watching all the soapies and now I listen to the news in the car and on the kitchen radio;
I miss dinner and the bedtime fight over the TV remotes, and then I remember that you always let me won;
but,
most of all, when I look at your face on our wedding pictures and then look at the picture that was taken last time we were having a white Christmas,and I see that you were looking at me with that same happy eyes, then I know that you will never be out of my heart and that I am a stronger, better person because of your love.
I just find it so difficult to believe that you are gone. Love you.

"All Is Well"

Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you:
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect,
without a trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was;
there is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.

Henry Scott Holland(1847 - 1918)

Rough Time

I Have had quite a rough time the past few months, but telling you about it will have to wait till later, but I shall be back.

Time is but a fleeting moment............

How quickly do the moments that make up our life pass us by...............
One day we look at our lives in a nostalgic, yet cynical way and believe in the truth of whatever wisdom we shared with others at that moment, just to be brought back (sometimes quite roughly and painful) to the harsh facts of life.
On the 5th of September we celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary, reliving all the good and happy moments, -somehow the not-so-good tend to disappear on days like this- so you know again why your other soul was such a good choice then and your sympathy lies with him because you are generous enough to acknowledge the fact that you know that he could have done better seeing that you are a difficult person to live with for so long.
Then terror stuck.
Yes you know the signs, yet this time around fear encapsulate your mind the same way that the pain grips your heart. Somehow the essence of a heart attack the first time does not appear to be so bad as it does when it happens again a few years later. Then you are scared out of your wits.

OK so now it is five months and two additional stents later and again you survived an MI.....why then does it feel so much as if you were cheated on? Maybe because the cat's surviving lives are one less?

Or maybe just because you know that time is running out?

Do we?

On one of our local television stations there is a program where unmarried farmers can look for a wife (Boer soek 'n Vrou [Boerinne ook]). The trailer for the program started off with the host saying that ten of the 120 farmers were picked and they will be introduced and then they had a picture of ten very innocent looking sheep moving their heads in unison from left to right...
The picture stayed with me and this morning found me asking myself the question - 'do they expect these farmers to be honest about themselves or just about what they want....'

That said I couldn't help to reflect on how little we really know about the person we are married to or living with, even after years and years. In fact the longer the less we know our other half. Come September 5th we will be celebrating 44 years of marriage, good and bad, but definitely not all bliss and if I have to take part in a 'Do you know your Partner' quiz, I would fail miserably!

Through our life the one thing that my second soul always got my attention with was his honesty, yet lately he lies so easily and when confronted with the lie, he becomes so sincere in his denial of ever saying it. Oh, I know this thing works both ways because he always said that I have no tact and called me so proudly straightforward and now he thinks that I should not voice my opinion if it can cause hurt. So, I can recall at least a million things that would have a different answer today (on both sides) than 44 years ago.

In South Africa the notion that men are dually responsible for household chores are only getting the nod in the past five years and only because so many of our children had to visit countries like the USA, be it to work there or emigration and now the mothers are (very minimally) introducing that idea of shared chores to their sons upbringing. So at least some of my grandsons will appreciate the fact that changing a nappy, picking up your socks and cooking dinner sometimes is OK.

But then again, we woman must suffer for our own mistakes. Although I always had the biggest salary (and pension) when we retired I fussed over the other and did exactly what my mother did, I carried, I washed, I ironed, I cooked, etc., and now that I am realizing that there are still so many books I want to read, there are still so many photographs I want to take, so many paintings in my head and time is running out on me, now I notice where he occupies my time with totally senseless chores, while he reads.

So, my question today is 'Do we really know each other?'

Saying Sorry

Why do old people find it so difficult to say 'sorry' if they need to and when they say it to mean it?

Who are the 'old people' ?- yes I know I am old too, but sometimes, just sometimes I want those that are, let's say, about ten years older to acknowledge the fact that their age do not give them cart Blanche to just say and do anything and then just expect the younger person to accept it and let the wrong just become a bygone.

So often they want to give some expensive gift when a apology that is what it is meant to be, would be enough. I am old, but I am not stupid, and in a house where there are only two people and something is broken, to own up to it and to say sorry and mean it can do so much to to set the path for a total lapse in memory with the injured persons mind!

When our children are small we make such a point of teaching them to always tell the truth and yet, when we get old that is the first thing that we forget. The stories become so distorted from the truth and the tales get bigger with each telling. I find it difficult because I was there when that happened... at least most of the time. Either they out and out deny that they had a hand in the mischief and that they have no, oh yes, absolutely no knowledge of it, or they look around for someone to blame, which can be anybody from the cleaner to the Grandchild, or you.

Coming from a legal environment I find it so difficult to live comfortably with a lie. And more so if that lie disrespect my space in life. Every person has the right to have some privacy, some things that belongs to just that person, be it thoughts or property, be it feelings or longings and even in an ordinary household one should respect that. The fact that I do not use my pen everyday does not render it a community pen, it still belongs to only me.

My father taught me that you do not open a letter unless it has your name on the envelope and the same goes for anything on my desk, whether it is a pen or a PC, a letter or a CD, if it is on my desk it is mine.

I need my space in life, and I expect family to respect that too.

Only if you respect the sanctity of privacy when dealing with other people do you have the right to claim that they do so to you.