Two months has passed since my last entry - good months. I miss you so much, but being with the children did make a difference and the missing were done by "us" not only "me". And being away from the bunch at home made me realise how much I miss them.
In the seven months since you died so many things had happened to me, and I had to take responsibility for so much. I had to learn how to budget, for the first time in my life I had to make sure that there is still money in the bank at the end of the month for the 'in case days'. For the first time in my life I had to learn to look at time when making a phone call because the bill at the end of the month will be all mine to pay. Now I realise how you spoiled me, that 'just looking' can be a satisfying way of shopping too, I don't have to own everything I like. Only now do I realise what a protected life I have had being married to you, how you shielded me from every day's worries, how often you acted as the buffer when one of the children and I disagreed about something and all the other bad stuff.
Now I turn the sheets around so that your side can get dirty too, but for the empty pillow next to me I haven't found a cure yet. Although, all that extra cupboard space is lovely! I've learned that it is OK to show emotion and to hug the kids, big and small whenever I get a chance, because come tomorrow one of us might not be there. How sudden that can happen I have learned with your death and your baby brother's too. Tell him I say hi and that you must look after each other.
The 29th and the 30th of each month are always sad days for me, because factually I know that you departed on the 29th because the phonecall to S was the last call you've made , but the 30th is the day of your death certificate. This time it was no different than any other month, with the exception that even the grandchildren felt my sadness too and little C made a frame for your picture on the fridge, just to cheer me up.
Enough with the self-pity.
So tomorow I start with a five-week art class, I am looking forward to it and hope that it will loosen-up the painting sence in my head. It would please you to know that I started painting again. Watercolour and oils. The first was ok, but I started with a cloudy scene and when I turned it upside down little C said it could go through for a sea-side painting. So now I am in two minds how I should finish it - advice would be welcome.
I am very proud of myself, I successfully paid for my hair-cut with my credit card and withdrawn money with my debit card. At sixty-four it is not the easiest to do that for the first time in a foreign country, with new cards. Yeah, yeah ...... I know you wanted me to learn that when you were still here, but that would not have made it easier for me. For the first time I can see how your death affected our kids - each in their own way and financially it affected them too, I'll do my best not to be a burden to them- all of them.
So what hopes do I have for 2010? First to take it one day at a time and to give the new year a chance too.
Don't ever stop listening.
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