THINGS: LOST AND FOUND

On Friday the 12th of Feb I lost my diamond ring. Not because I did not value it enough or because I was careless, but because I lost so much weight since you left that all my rings are a little too big and fits too loosely. Yes, I shall have them fixed as soon as I get back to our house - for now I was hesitant to talk about my ring and tried very hard to remember that it is only a thing - part of so many things we collect in life and attached very much money- and sentimental value to.

So I thought that if I accept the fact that I lost it and I did not even know where,(I did go back to the two shops that M and I went to that afternoon), but nobody found anything, so I resigned myself to my immense loss.

In all the time that you and I were together almost all the very important happenings were crowned by a ring from you, most of them, the good and the bad.

When we met and decided to get married we did not have much of anything, so, when we got engaged it was with a small pearl ring. When we got married you had a beautiful white gold ring made for me, I was so proud of it.

Then years later after M was born you bought me a very nice gold ring with 4 small diamonds around a bigger centre diamond. The year I enlisted I accidentally bumped my hand against a wall and the big stone broke in such small pieces that I had to pick them up from the floor with cellotape. The dealer refused to replace it and we lost the courtcase that followed on the basis that every diamond has a weak spot and no dealer could foresee that the diamond will split, that was in '72. By then I was wearing an old gold wedding band and nothing else.

The following years were full of potholes as far as our marraige was concerned and in July of 1974 after you decided that divorce will not be an everlasting solution for the infatuation you had with a fleeting affair, you took me back to the fountain at the Union buildings where you proposed, we renewed our vows and you presented me with a brand new 10mm gold weddingband with the date inscription of 15/7/74.

Then I realised that being married is hard work, for both partners. That I wore untill 2002 when my hands became so swollen after the MI's that I had to resort to your old wedding band, because it was bigger. Even though the following few years were difficult because the trust was lost and a new relationship between us was formed you tried your best with a lovely eternity ring with four .25carat diamonds, which I wore till J got engaged and he then had it reset in an engagement ring.

In '83 after that big vehicle accident when I was in hospital and so very, very depressed, you brought me a diamond dress ring with 35 little diamonds in, which is still today one of my favourites.

When we got the insurance money for the accident you bought me a proper diamond solitaire which nobody could miss. Later on the setting became a little bit unsecure and for a while I did not wore the diamond ring.

Then at our 38th wedding anniversary you presented me with this beautiful diamond. The lost one.

So now that you have walked memory lane with me, you definately will rejoice with me in the knowledge that M has found my ring - wait for it, In her bread - tin.Now I remember that I worked in the kitchen after we got back from the shops, and amongst my chores were packing the groceries.

Maybe I found my loss so hard to accept because deep in my heart I still hoped that my ring will be found and returned to me and, yes I promise that I will take it to the jeweler to fix the size. My whole world is a much nicer place because I got my ring back

Love you
Matilda's Mum

A NEW YEAR

Two months has passed since my last entry - good months. I miss you so much, but being with the children did make a difference and the missing were done by "us" not only "me". And being away from the bunch at home made me realise how much I miss them.


In the seven months since you died so many things had happened to me, and I had to take responsibility for so much. I had to learn how to budget, for the first time in my life I had to make sure that there is still money in the bank at the end of the month for the 'in case days'. For the first time in my life I had to learn to look at time when making a phone call because the bill at the end of the month will be all mine to pay. Now I realise how you spoiled me, that 'just looking' can be a satisfying way of shopping too, I don't have to own everything I like. Only now do I realise what a protected life I have had being married to you, how you shielded me from every day's worries, how often you acted as the buffer when one of the children and I disagreed about something and all the other bad stuff.


Now I turn the sheets around so that your side can get dirty too, but for the empty pillow next to me I haven't found a cure yet. Although, all that extra cupboard space is lovely! I've learned that it is OK to show emotion and to hug the kids, big and small whenever I get a chance, because come tomorrow one of us might not be there. How sudden that can happen I have learned with your death and your baby brother's too. Tell him I say hi and that you must look after each other.



The 29th and the 30th of each month are always sad days for me, because factually I know that you departed on the 29th because the phonecall to S was the last call you've made , but the 30th is the day of your death certificate. This time it was no different than any other month, with the exception that even the grandchildren felt my sadness too and little C made a frame for your picture on the fridge, just to cheer me up.



Enough with the self-pity.

So tomorow I start with a five-week art class, I am looking forward to it and hope that it will loosen-up the painting sence in my head. It would please you to know that I started painting again. Watercolour and oils. The first was ok, but I started with a cloudy scene and when I turned it upside down little C said it could go through for a sea-side painting. So now I am in two minds how I should finish it - advice would be welcome.



I am very proud of myself, I successfully paid for my hair-cut with my credit card and withdrawn money with my debit card. At sixty-four it is not the easiest to do that for the first time in a foreign country, with new cards. Yeah, yeah ...... I know you wanted me to learn that when you were still here, but that would not have made it easier for me. For the first time I can see how your death affected our kids - each in their own way and financially it affected them too, I'll do my best not to be a burden to them- all of them.

So what hopes do I have for 2010? First to take it one day at a time and to give the new year a chance too.

Don't ever stop listening.